Not for Love or Money

In the wake of new data suggesting Australians are furiously spending to try and find a romantic partner, Ava Govanstone explores the ways in which courtship and love are changing.

It is a popular adage that money cannot buy happiness. However, it seems it can buy love, or something adjacent to it. Recent research by ING and YouGov indicates that Australians spend $42 billion per year on dating, or $384 per month. This is an increase of almost four times the 2017 amount of $78 per date, at a cost of $12 billion per year. A survey by the Balance in the United States in 2021 found similar results, 28 percent of millennials are willing to spend over $100 a pop for first dates, with a third of them spending over $250 per month on dating, remarkably similar to our number when accounting for currency conversion.

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However, in a similar timeframe, Lending Tree found that 1 in 3 Americans have declined a date due to financial difficulties. Research in Australia has not yet explored this, but given the similarities across data, it’s probable to assume similar numbers exist here. ING explained a key reason for the increase was due to a boom in those using premium paid dating services in the wake of COVID-19, but with such a large increase, we must ask the question of why the search for love seems to have become more urgent. 

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A possible reason for the increased amount of financial input into dating is the growing separation between our romantic lives, and our ‘other’ lives, such as work, and other social relationships. Online dating has been the key to this; as the world becomes ever more interconnected, we perversely seek separate ‘others’-- relationships with those who remain distanced from our everyday existences. This has involved a migration away from traditional courtship areas: the office, work, within friendship groups. Therefore, it's almost become a separate hobby, occupation, and social activity. Where once dating could be looped into the broad banner of ‘social life,’ it is emerging on its own in a way we’ve never seen before.

However, I find myself intrigued as to why, despite the rising costs involved, we seem to be doing it more.

According to the ING research, in 2017, the average person went on just one first date a month. Now the average is three. This relates to the above– with the separation of our everyday and dating lives, it’s easier to rapidly cycle through dates with little social consequence. Additionally, the protection given by online dating makes it easier to disengage.

Some researchers believe a key reason for this (expensive) dating Russian roulette is soulmate searching, or destiny beliefs. These beliefs manifest in how much an individual believes relationship success is determined from the start, how strongly they believe a couple are ‘meant’ to be together. Those with strong destiny beliefs tend to be less forgiving of flaws, and quicker to move on from attachments. However, they’re also incredibly easy beliefs to maintain, when societal messaging about finding ‘the one’ is  everywhere in conveniently consumable packages. Psychological researchers Coduto et al., go as far as to describe these modern dating practices as akin to being on a treadmill, frantically searching for romance in ways that lead to neglect of our ‘other’ lives, including work, school, and platonic relationships. 

Worryingly, this search for perfection also influences the individual, with a large chunk of that $156.16 per date going towards getting ready for dates ($66.53), including new clothes, hair services, and shoes. However, for one in four, this amount will go beyond $100. This, of course, is connected to the way in which social media has transformed how we live and spend. Research by Schwab in the US found millennials often reported being influenced by social media to spend beyond their means. The pressure to appear flawless, successful, booked, and busy is all encompassing. However, reality can never match the carefully curated performance art of our social media feeds, fueling an increase in spending to try and match our digital selves. 

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Even before the pandemic, loneliness was being described as one of the great health crises of our times; in 2018, one in four Australians reported feeling lonely. One of the hardest hit groups, particularly during the pandemic, was young people 18-24, 14 percent of whom report feeling lonely all, or most of the time. Interestingly, they also claim a 21% share in dating app usage. As social animals we feel loneliness, but too much can lead to adverse health effects beyond the psychological, including high blood pressure. 

ING closed their research with suggestions of how to cut costs on first dates, such as cooking at home, or returning to nature. As an avid consumer of true-crime, I condone none of those things. So, maybe reuse the outfit. Go to a happy hour. And perhaps consider that despite the general cynicism in the world today, the fact that we are still willing to do, and spend, whatever it takes to connect with each other is remarkable in itself. 

WORDS: AVA GOVANSTONE
PHOTOGRAPHY: PEXELS